The World of Bodybuilding According to Bros

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Broscience
The health and fitness industry is rife with misinformation and propaganda, leading avid gym-goers to take on baseless habits. Many of those mythical habits stem from what is colloquially known as “broscience.”

If you’re not familiar with the term broscience, just know that it is essentially a body of knowledge that bodybuilders (both recreational and competitive) believe to be true based simply on anecdotal evidence rather than being scientifically validated. A quick example of broscience is the ideation that eating more frequently throughout the day increases the thermic effect of food independent of total calorie intake…

You gotta eat every 2 hours to stoke your metabolism, bro.

Now, many people will argue that broscience works, and that it works better than methods based on scientific principles. While I always implore gym-goers to take a pragmatic approach to their training, diet and supplementation, I’m not so arrogant as to claim that all broscience is bunk and won’t produce results.

The reality is that some degree of action, no matter how unsound it is, will produce a degree of results. Therefore, following broscience methods will likely be superior to sitting your lazy butt on the couch all day and watching reruns of bygone sitcoms and Dr. Phil.

So I figure it’s time to cater to the bros out there and compose a quiz that pushes their comprehension of broscience to a whole new level. This quiz is not for the faint of heart; many will try, few will prevail. The mind is a powerful weapon…and you won’t need much of it in this quiz because broscience requires minimal use of your cerebral region. Without further ado, prepare to be inundated with everything that is bro in the world of bodybuilding and health/fitness.

TIP: If you want to do well on this quiz, you need to think like a bro, bro!

Section A. True/False (1pt each)

 

  1. Organic, free-range, hormone-free, boneless, skinless chicken breasts are an ultra-clean source of protein that upon ingestion are stored directly into skeletal muscle tissue.

 

  1. Anabolism and catabolism are operated in an on-off fashion by an internal clock that runs in 3-hour intervals…therefore, going longer than 3 hours without eating will switch the body from an anabolic state to a catabolic state.

 

  1. Back squats are extremely dangerous and bad for the knees, thereby rendering them a poor movement for building strong, muscular legs.
  2. No matter what routine you follow, your chest training must always occur on a Tuesday to maximize gainz (yes, that’s gainz with a “z”).

 

  1. Everyone in the gym that is in better shape than you (i.e. they’re leaner and more muscular) is inherently a steroid abuser.
  2. It is best to rapidly increase your insulin levels with pure dextrorotatory glucose crystals 1 hour after the cessation of weight training; any sooner and you will negate the anabolic effect of training.

 

  1. If It Fits Your Macros (IIFYM) is an illogical way of dieting compared to traditional “clean/dirty” dieting. This is because the body has separate metabolic pathways for “clean” and “dirty” foods independent of their nutrient composition.

 

  1. A power rack is a highly-versatile piece of gym equipment meant to be used primarily for barbell curls…not squats.

 

  1. You shouldn’t focus on progressing up in weights or getting stronger if you want to build muscle. The most important thing is to focus on the mind-muscle connection and actually “feeling” each rep pump blood into the target muscle.

 

  1. You should eat most of your carbohydrates after the sun goes down if you want to get shredded.

 

Section B. Fill-in-the-blank (1pt per blank, choose from word bank)

Cannibalic Skeletal Muscle Upregulated Anabolic Equal
Bent-over barbell rows Calories Different Negative Reps Proteins
Positive Reps Barbell back squats Catabolic Isolateral cable pulldowns Fatty acids
Adipose Inhibited Retro-gravity reps Secreted Epithelial

 

  1. Despite being one of the most effective compound movements you can do, ____(a)______ are not nearly as important as ______(b)_____ for developing a muscular back.
  2. Since everything in the gym needs to sound exotic and catchy, it is proper to use the term ____(c)______ in place of _____(d)______.
  3. Despite overwhelming evidence of the opposite, all ­­_____(e)______ are not created _____(f)______.
  4. Insulin is a highly _____(g)______ hormone but should be   _____(h)______ at all costs if you want to get shredded.
  5. It is impossible to overeat ____(i)_______ since your body will simply use the excess to build even more ______(j)_____ tissue.

 

DoYouEvenLift

Section C. Multiple Choice (2pts each, choose one)

 

  1. Of the following exercises, which one is vastly superior for etching striations and detail into your quadriceps?
  2. A. Barbell back squats
    B. Barbell front squats
    C. Barbell Deadlifts
    D. Single-legged pistol squats on a BOSU ball

  3. Which one of the following foods is “dirty” and should only be consumed on cheat days?
  4. A. Chicken breast
    B. Egg whites
    C. Tilapia
    D. Pop-Tarts

  5. Which one of the following supplements should be used in a cyclical fashion, mainly due to its steroid-like performance enhancement?
  6. A. Creatine monohydrate
    B. L-carnitine
    C. Taurine
    D. Picamilon

  7. Despite the great unlikelihood you’re allergic to gluten, you should assume you’re a statistical improbability and avoid which one of the following foods?
  8. A. Whole-wheat bread
    B. Corn tortillas
    C. Rice cakes
    D. Apples

  9. Arm-day is never worthwhile unless it includes which one of the following exercises?
  10. A. Machine preacher curls
    B. Unilateral incline dumbbell curls
    C. Cable rope pressdowns
    D. All of the above are absolutely paramount to building a solid pair of “guns”

  11. Arnold Schwarzenegger is infamously known for equating “the pump” to which following bodily sensation?
  12. A. The relief felt afterhaving a large bowel movement
    B. Having an orgasm (aka “cumming”)
    C. Cardiac arrhythmia
    D. Rigor mortis

  13. Ultimately, the goal of most bros is to build rock-hard abs, ripped arms, and thick pecs while also doing which one of the following?
  14. A. Focusing on other aspects life like work, school, hobbies, etc.
    B. Doing hours of aerobic exercise everyday
    C. Drinking copious amounts of alcohol and barhopping
    D. Squatting

  15. Of the following protein sources, which one will cause a bro to grow “man boobs” if consumed in any amount?
  16. A. Egg white (albumin)
    B. Whey
    C. Soy
    D. Casein

  17. Once you set foot into a gym and begin lifting weights, your body turns on a 60-minute timer; what happens after that 60 minutes is up?
  18. A. Cortisol is released and you become catabolic
    B. Your muscles start cramping
    C. Fat tissue transforms itself into muscle tissue
    D. Blood pressure dramatically increases

  19. A “bro” is someone who likely does which of the following in the gym?
  20. A. Curls in the squat rack
    B. Chest and arm workouts at least 3 times per week
    C. Does 30 minutes of ab exercises after every workout
    D. Texts, and perhaps even “sexts”, between sets
    E. Drinks “dat der Cell Tech” during their workout
    F. All of the above are likely signs of a “bro” (hint: this is the answer)

After you have completed the above sections use the answer key and scale below to figure out just how much of a bro you really are.

 

Total Score:

0-5pts: You are the reason for the term “meathead”

6-10pts: All show and no bro

11-15pts: Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200

16-20pts: Being mediocre sucks, and this aint even mediocre

21-25pts: Let me guess,certified personal trainer” with formal education in business?

26-30pts: The bro is strong with you, young padawan

31-35pts: Well done; you must have your bachelor’s degree in Broscience

36-40pts: Way to go, “brofessor”

TheBroIsStrong

Answers (FINISH THE QUIZ FIRST YOU CHEATER)

 

Section A (1pt each)

  1. T
  2. T
  3. T
  4. F–Chest training occurs on Monday, always
  5. T
  6. F–The anabolic window of opportunity shuts within minutes after training is over
  7. T
  8. T
  9. T
  10. F–All carbs eaten after dark are stored as fat

 

Section B (1pt per letter):

  1. Bent-over barbell rows
  2. Iso-lateral cable pulldowns
  3. Retro-gravity reps
  4. Negative reps
  5. Calories
  6. Equal
  7. Anabolic
  8. Inhibited
  9. Proteins
  10. Skeletal muscle

 

Section C (2pts each):

  1. D
  2. D
  3. A
  4. A
  5. D
  6. B
  7. C
  8. C
  9. A
  10. F